Sunday, July 31, 2005

Hans Island: The Danes are Coming! Or Are They?

I found fresh perspective on the whole Hans Island question at Ni Howdy: The Ba Gua Shan of Taichung Blogs:

Thursday, July 28, 2005
UPDATE: Canada "occupying" Hans Island
Personally, I'll be working hard on the campaign for a worldwide boycott of Canadian products until they end this gobsmackingly vile occupation of Danish land.
posted by Red A at 4:21 PM 5 comments

I immediately called Al Waxman, from the Canadian Bureau of Southern Affairs Desk at The Gentle Rant to see what his take on all of this was.

actually first I called Geiseman to see what the mood in Calgary was. Had they burned the old Danish Consulate over on 47th Avenue to the ground yet. Was there to be a cheese boycott? Despite having absolutely no idea what I was on about, he assured me that Calgarians were adopting a wait and see approach and no hostilities had broken out that he was aware of.

Then I paged Al and he returned my page around three in the morning. Three in the afternoon Toronto time; he had just rolled out of bed with a crippling hangover and was in a fairly vile mood. He had had trouble with the Danes before in Kensington so many years ago, and he told me he would have something within the hour,

In regards to the proposed worldwide boycott on Canadian goods following Canada's rightful display of sovereignty over it's frozen Northlands.

What exactly are you planning to boycott anyway? Maple syrup and hockey gear? Old John Candy movies?

Perhaps you will purchase less Native Canadian art this year, or take a pass on your upcoming whirlwind tour of Saskatchewan and Manitoba?

Or are you just going to stop buying those little maple leaf pins and badges that you attach and sew everywhere about your person while travelling outside the traditional boundaries of the good ol' US of A, so as to avoid price gouging, bitter arguments, lynchings and random shootings?

As to the question of Hans Island: not only should the Canadians continue to hold Hans, but they should use it as a forward base of operations from whence to take back Greenland from those wannebe Vikings and their Uncle Tom Eskimo friends.

If you'd look at a bloody map you'd see that Greenland is logically part of Canada's vast northern holdings, and belongs to us and maybe Santa Claus, but not those upstart Danes. You going to boycott Santa Claus now, too? That's cold.

Anyone can see that Denmark and Greenland are an ocean apart and certainly not the same country.

Of course if you had looked at a map you'd see that Iraq isn't part of North America either. If you further checked a history book you might learn about a place called Me-so-po-ta-mi-a.

It's frivolous comments like yours that play right into the hands of both the Danes and the Eskimos. You display your ignorance by dismissing Canada's important role in staving off both of these two vicious cultures that, frankly, don't share our values.

Without Canada, you'd be wearing cow horns on your baseball cap and paddling around in a kayak chewing whale blubber snacks.

And when that all happens; when you have weakened us through your ill-conceived boycotts, and the Northern Hordes descend upon you, don't come crying to us, eh?


Sincerely Yours,

Al Waxman,
Canadian Bureau of Southern Affairs Desk
The Gentle Rant


TW said...

Al Waxman didn't drink. He did however play a significant role in creating both the actor's and director's unions, and always brought food from every film set to personally hand out to homeless people on the street. Do your research. Don't mock the dead.

Sean Reilly said...

Hey hey TW,

I grew up watching (and admiring)the King, and somehow I feel he would've laughed at my borrowing his name to use in a satirical letter written by a fictional Canadian governmet official.

Al made a lot of people laugh, and so I assume he had sturdy sense of humour - you sould probably develop one.

Anyway, thanks for reading.